There's a phrase that has been floating around Christian circles for quite a while and is now starting to make a comeback.
“You can tell a person's character by the countenance of their spouse and kids."
I would like to briefly touch on the dangers of this phrase and hopefully bring clarity to the kind of biblical mindset we are to have with our families and other families we know.
Proverbs 15:13
“A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.”
(See also: Psalm 34:4-5 and 42:11)
According to these Scriptures, the countenance is a direct reflection of a person’s heart. If the person hopes in God and looks to Him for deliverance, if their heart is fixed on knowing and loving God, this will be reflected in their countenance.
The bottom line is: Each person is individually responsible for their own sin.
God made that clear in Ezekiel 18 when He said, “The soul who sins shall die” (vs. 4, 20). As much as we would like to blame others for our attitudes and actions, we are without excuse. Our spouses/kid's happiness or discontent isn't dependent upon what we do or don't do, what we say or don't say, but instead upon their relationship with God.
God-honoring husbands and wives may still have spouses or kids that are bitter and cold.
In 2 Samuel 6, we see David rejoicing with the people of Israel and dancing before the Lord with joy because the ark, the symbol of His presence, was returning to Jerusalem. As Michal, his wife watched him, she “despised him in her heart” (vs.16). We can be certain that her countenance was definitely not joyful as she said to him with disdain, “How glorious was the king of Israel today.”
"So what do I do if my spouse or kids are distant, hurtful, and aren't pursuing Christ?"
Look to Abigail.
Her story is related to us in 1 Samuel 25. Verse 3 tells us that Abigail was “a woman of good understanding and beautiful appearance, but her husband [Nabal] was harsh and evil in his doings.” Yet, in spite of her husband’s character and his behavior, Abigail continued to look toward the Lord.
"So, am I directly responsible for the spiritual measure of my spouse and kids?"
No. And yes.
We are called to love our families just as Christ loved and died for you and me. Yet, we do not have the ability to change hearts, but we do have the ability to display the humility and love of Christ to those around us even when they are straying. We are not directly responsible for the hearts of others, but to not live out our calling to be Christ-like stewards of our families is a denial of what Christ did for us on the cross.
Don't be fooled:
Sometimes we look at our families and see no discontent, anger, jealousy, unruliness, unhappiness,
and think: "We're good!"
The absence of sinful displays does not rule out the presence of sinful hearts.
Don't fall into the trap that if we look good, sound good, and act good, our inside is good too.
That's exactly what the Pharisees thought.
Questions to ask ourselves:
Is my attitude dependent on the kind of mood my family is in?
Am I constantly checking my family's emotional temperature?
How do I measure my success: my family's happiness or my obedience to God and the Scriptures?
Am I looking to God as the source of my strength, regardless of how my family behaves?
Do I use their behavior as an excuse for my own sins of bitterness and resentment?”
For example:
The question a husband should be asking himself is not: “Is my wife happy?”
But instead:
“Am I being obedient to God’s command to love my wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it? Am I giving up my perceived rights and considering her needs as more important than my own? Am I doing this with no thought of return, regardless of her response?”
Simply put. The phrase, “You can tell a person's character by the countenance of their spouse and kids” is a false measure of success.