Brokenness.
It's what I felt when I was fired for the first time.
It's what I felt when I began to understand the reality of my parent's divorce.
It's what I felt when my 3rd grade teacher pulled me in hall and called me stupid.
It's what I felt when my first girlfriend dumped me.
It's what I felt the day I was walking home and got jumped by the neighborhood bullies.
It's what I felt when I was rejected by friends.
It's what I felt when I was called every profanity by relatives.
The list of minor to earth shattering pains in our lives can be pretty long. I could've easily listed 20 more pains in my life but these 7 were the ones that popped in my head while I was writing. And unfortunately I have to add one to the list:
It's what I felt when our foster child transitioned out of our home.
It's a long story but essentially, back in the Summer of 2017, we were told from the beginning this little 2-week old boy would be ours. He was riddled with addiction from the drugs his mom used and there were no blood relatives that wanted him. As far as Nicole and I were concerned, this little boy, that we happily named Eli, was ours. And better yet the social workers guaranteed he would be adopted in our home.
But that changed.
I still remember loading him up in the lady's van that was taking him away. He gave me his giant ear to ear, plumpy cheek smile and beamed at me. I kissed his little head that had a perfect mohawk (which his hair naturally did), squeezed his hand and slid the door shut.
Nicole and I cried everyday after we were told the news we would have to give him away. And cried everyday for several months after he was gone. We felt sad, angry, confused, defeated, robbed, frustrated, broken. We sat on our weathered little couch and wept as we held each other.
It was a tough season. But that's grace.
"Grace is both a glory and a struggle. God's grace doesn't always look like grace. Instinctively we think that God's grace will be a warm hug, a cool drink, an encouraging word, or a motivating insight. We look for grace to relieve and release us, and sometimes it does, but God's grace regularly comes to us in uncomfortable forms. God's grace causes us to face things in ourselves that are hard to see, consider, accept, and confess. Often God's grace takes us into things we would like to avoid, things that are hard, discouraging, and sad. God's grace will not only give us wonderful gifts, but it will also take precious things away from us. It will not only tell the best news every, it will also force us to accept the worst news we could ever be told. It will not only tell us that God is strong, but it will remind us of how weak we are without him. It will not only gift us incredible wisdom, it will require us to face the fact that sin reduces us to fools. God's grace will not only introduce us to the only one in the entire universe who is truly worthy of our worship, but will also expose the catalog of God's replacements that regularly capture the affections of our hearts... So often We'd rather have a season when life is easy, predictable, and the people around us are drama-free than a season where transforming grace takes us to new depths of humility, understanding, maturity, and worship. So in each of our lives grace is both a glory and a struggle." - Paul David Tripp
We had friends and family come and surround us with love, late nights drinking tea, warm food, and prayer.
We questioned God's goodness and His plan for Eli's life.
We wondered why us?
We worshiped in the midst of our pain.
We leaned more on His truth and wisdom.
We had trouble sleeping.
People said hurtful words: "Well he wasn't really yours" "You didn't have him for that long, what's the big deal?"
Nicole and I got angry at one another.
Nicole and I grew closer to one another.
Anguish is a roller coaster.
And none of it was easy.
And to be honest, the sting is still there. Like a healing scar, sometimes a poke can bring back old pain.
But God brought us to a place of trust. We chose to look at this situation through the lens of the Gospel.
Christ never withholds his love for us. He never takes it back after we run away or make a mistake. His love is never conditional or based on our actions. His love cant get any lesser or grow any stronger. It's perfect redeeming love. But it's a love that came at a price.
I wonder what kind of pain the Father felt when He had to give up His innocent Son to die. If there's one thing I do know, He knew the kind of pain we were in. He understood the hurt, the anguish, the grieving, the loss.
We had to remember that through it all, Christ never abandons us. And that he was the only one we could find rest and hope in.
"This God—his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. "For who is God, but the Lord ? And who is a rock, except our God? This God is my strong refuge and has made my way blameless." 2 Samuel 22:31-32
Grieving is part of the healing process. We take refuge and cry in His arms when the battle seems lost. He is our perfect and solid foundation that we can throw all of our cares upon. This isn't a time to cast blame and malice upon Him (study Job), its a time of complete surrender, of humbly handing over the grief, accepting His rest and letting his word saturate us with restoration. Some of the times I've grown closest to Christ was in the midst of my grieving. Of laying it all out on the table and letting His grace wash over me. There is rest and closeness there, lean in to that.
"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13
Many of us know Philippians 4:13 (and sometimes use it out of context) but I love what Paul says to build up to his point beforehand. "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content...In any and every circumstance... How? Because Christ strengthens me."
So the next time we face brokeness, we need to remember that He understands our pain, He is our refuge and He provides strength in the midst of deepest hurt.
For a more exhaustive study on Grief I highly recommend a few books that have helped me out with myself and the people I minister to: